CAP VII. beyond beginning

What if... but we can't know if it works, until we try! This feelings are going to change with time, it's like a test, a puzzle to compose again and again in between.
I am sitting in my red chair in front of a black screen desktop  with white letters:
Just write, May! it's better!
Just write, now! At list I am not constantly thinking and rethinking this!
Esc and Open a blank page.

What if I will never finish this book... just silence.
what if I never will find the answer...or I will find it too late...what if is not even the wright question that I am asking... thinking... that could be an ending also, or a new beginning... so just enjoy the ride! like Pete said.

Yes... one day it will make perfect sense to begin again, for now I will put my glasses on, and just write about the vineyard, it's fun.

Povestea 10. - Raționalizarea trăirii

"Dragostea e ca un vals, un pas înainte un pas înapoi şi pauză ... plutirea încremenește... e numai vis, așteptare, secundele par enorme până la 1,2,3...4, sinergia a două trupuri care simt, trăiesc același ritm, plutirea valsului în ritmurile amețitoare ale dragostei.
Parcă căutăm neîncetat acea potrivire de ritm, respirație, mișcare și atunci când o găsim este atât de firească, fără efort și explicație. Poate prin dans îți dai seama că poți iubi, dacă te poți conecta fără cuvinte și te poți dărui într-o mișcare de plutire."
Da, aș fi vrut să dansăm! 

Ai ales să pleci... câteodată ești atât de departe și atât de închis, ascuns ca într-o carapace de broască țestoasă parcă așteptând  un gest, un semn. Ai jucat cartea și aștepți reacția, plusul dragostei la următoarea carte...

dar de ce suntem adversari cu noi înșine, cu sentimentele răvășite între cearceafuri și gânduri, unde e diferența dacă e rostit în cuvinte... așteptarea, jocul, dansul, confruntarea...urmează liniște sau furtună.

și dragostea a rămas nerostită în cuvinte și trăită cu respirația întretăiată ca în nocturna lui Chopin.
Iubirea o poți trăi cu ochii închiși, cu încredere, dor și pierdere într-un nesfârșit vals...

"Dragostea e ca șampania, spumoasă feerică, te amețește ușor, dar te trezești repede până la următoarea cupă, următoarea poveste, joc, sărut, e dulce și nebună ca un val perfect care te îneacă într-o fericire aproape ireală, dorindu-ți numai să te îneci din nou, să simți în toți porii dragostea..."

Zâmbesc, privind fotografia noastră, abia acum realizez de ce și când, m-am indrăgostit ca o copilă la 16 ani. Scriam mult când te-am cunoscut, teorii despre dragoste, relații, trăiri...

"...un joc subtil, incontrolabil, în care orice regulă iți arată că pierzi și orice gând, fărâmă de rațiune iți reduce trăirea la chimie, poveste epică sau o banală confuzie de simțuri indusă de un zâmbet. Și pierzi!
Pierzi, atunci când nu știi să joci, când mori de plăcere, îndrăgostit în joacă, dar rațiunea te oprește să trăiești, să te scufunzi. Pierzi când ți-e frică să încerci... să fii fericit o clipă.
Îndrăgostit te pierzi, doar ca să te regăsești, dincolo de tine și de poveste... mereu altfel, răscolind cotloane îndelung uitate, sau pasiuni și simțuri neatinse încă de minte, suflet și trup,

Apoi fugi, e singura cale prin care simți că poți rămâne rațional, întreg, cu toate că ai întrebări, retrăiri vii, te poți amăgi ușor în rutina zilnică, poți uita, până când un detaliu, o senzație subtilă declanșează furtuna... și vine întrebarea cea mai grea, care îți rămâne întipărită în minte.
Și într-un moment de liniște, de pauză și evadare din rutină, întrebările își cer răspunsuri."

Doar acum ai senzația de nesfârșire și știi că nu ajungi să iubești fără să pierzi, fără să trăiești fericit o clipă, fără să ai un moment furat în joacă...

"Iubirea e senină, simplă, liberă, plină de arome, ca un vin vechi pe care îl bei și-l redescoperi cu variații subtile aproape în fiecare zi, la ceas de seară, în momentul perfect, alături de tine."

***

yes... almost so unreal to be true, but we had a perfect moment, in our goodbye... it was a sweet escape from town, wondering around physically and in my mind, near you and with you, researching me... 

Maybe you misunderstood me when I said that "it is to complicated".
- "I was in love, it just couldn't work !" That's what you said looking in the dark through the bus window.
You were upset about my stupid question:"why are you alone?" and I was dizzy and surprised about what just happened with us. I mean really can you blame me ... That evening I said no...to you and I still want you even more!!! I wonder why... still feel that is no end to a true love story...
Love is not a theory that you can demonstrate on paper and say this is it, it does not work!

Beside that, for me nothing is impossible, and "complicated" just sounds like fun and attractive to me, if I really feel and want it! If I don't, there is an excuse for it.

It's not that I don't want you, i really want You in every form that exist, now today, in every second... and there is no but in this, it's just the feeling that you want me now that is freezing me!

There are questions that I can't pass over and just live... I have no idea why...

why do you want me now ... are you ready for me? is it the right time? ...

I really want this perfect sweet moments, and I want them every night with you, only you!
There are moments, daydreams mostly, when everything is perfect, when i can see us together with our baby, happy... a Sunday morning in bed, all three of us watching cartoons...
smiling, I look outside, thru the window.  it starts to snow, like in a fairy tail.

there are moments when everything is as clear as the blue sky with a hart shaped cloud ... I see us like in a parallel life and I want to live that life, just have to get there somehow and find you... then everything fall's into his wright, given place.

(fragments form oct- nov. 2014)

CAP VI- in the muddy road

Brake !!! Shit, Man !!! Something was running in front of my car. What ...
- Hey, Are you alright? getting out of my pickup truck. Car door slammed with a creak.
- Aaaaaiii !
The dark men in brown with a Fedora hat it's rising from the mud I just projected him into. Bet his ego it's pretty damaged. He's looking for something, not really concerned of all the mess on he's pants.
- I am terribly sorry ! You were running and with all this mud. Sorry!
I must be smiling, that does not help much.He has awful manners anyway, can't even see his face with that hat. Who wears a Classic hat in this woods? I don't know what to say or do. I have to go, i am returning to my green pickup truck. Near me, appears Kid with a decisive bark, stopping me.

- Hi, Kid! Is it yours? i am asking looking surprised at the Classic- hat men.
- Yes. Hear you areeee, dog! This days just disappears, I've been looking for him. I am sorry we got in your way, hope you are fine. I am fine. Really, Dog is fine too, you can go ... now.
He's a real gentlemen in the middle '50's, maybe 60 years old, still charming. He's eyes look tired, but they have a vivid- worm shine. I could bet he was pretty handsome when he was younger.
We both lean down to caress the dog, but he retires quickly. He's hat falls down, from all the movement. He just turns and laughs, picking up his Fedora hat, from the muddy road. The dog barks.

- Good, Kid! You have an awesome dog! I am smiling and he is looking at me with he's dark eyes.
- He is kind of a free spirit.
He want's to add something, but he just looks at me like questioning all my life.
- Yes ! think so, too. The other day he found me on a pick, we returned together, home.
- Ooooh. So he was with you! He's actually in a total need of a female presence. He is a puppy that my ex wife left me with. He doesn't have a name yet !
He looks at the sweet creature that stands between us in the muddy road.
- Kid?!
 I try to call the dog and his sweet eyes are looking at me, he barks like saying yes. and just swings his short tail. He is such a sweet, smart puppy!
- OK. Then Kid it is, you smashing little dog.
He's smiling happy and they seem to be fine, so I try to get out of this perfect frame of two, taking a small step back. I feel that look from Kid, asking me to stay along for a wile.
- Say, don't you enter for a cup of tea... maybe! I really like to fix this occurred meeting of ours in the middle of a muddy road.
Both men and dog looking at me, with that sweet puppy eyes. I take a step closer, looking at the light that is glowing in the house, calling us to warm up.
- It smells like it's going to snow! say out loud, without thinking.
- Shall we? he takes my arm and we go on the alley, Kid is running around us, happy.
- You know, Kid looks just like you, only he's more transparent !
He's steps kind of slowed down for a moment, he takes a look at me, and then smiles looking in front at his puppy. Kid looks at us, expecting at the front door.
I think I was a little blunt, my words just came out without even thinking, I am too tired.
I smile at the dark men with classy muddy hat in his hand and then I smile back at Kid,
Just thinking that the little puppy looked as happy on the outside like the dark men was on the inside, made me blush for a moment.
We stopped at the front door, and he looked in my eyes, opening the door.
- After you, milady! We enter.

He is putting my coat in the closet behind the front door and enters on the next door.
- Please make yourself comfortable, it's worm hear.
The open living it's bigger that you can see from the entrance. The fire place illuminates a lovely Belle Epoque setting with a couch, two arm chairs and a minimalist small table. After that it's a study zone with a desk and a full wall of books. I like the book stairs on the other side of the desk. In the back of the desk it's a lovely painted wall, like in the Chinese houses, with dark wood and floral motives.

He reappears changed in a blue sky shirt with black bow tie and black pants and with Kid at his feet.
- Sorry I left you alone.Tea is ready in a second, or shall we drink a glass of wine.
I think I could drink a glass of wine or even scotch, but it's not really recommended. Sitting up near the fire, with one hand on my forehead, I just look lost in the flames dance.
I sense his presence wright on my back. He is so close I can't move, I am turning my had and see his eyes smiling and his lips moving slowly. I am trying to understand the words, but I am too tired!
why did I entered this strangers house?! He's asking something and I am not responding.
- Green with lemon or apricot?
- Apricot, my favorite tea. How...
- Seams you are a charming little women with exquisite taste.
I get lost again looking at the fire. It's just silence... fire place sounds and flame dance are hypnotic.

- Why don't you sit on the couch, make yourself comfortable, you must be tired.
I listen and start walking but i loose one of my shoes and just let go of the other one. I just sit on the couch, with my feet under and take a cup of tea from the little table.
- Seems you are the Cinderella after all! He smiles collecting my shoes. Pretty small, 35? he reads the number inside my black- red oxford shoes.
I just nod my had with the cup of tea in my hands, feeling the apricot flavor with my eyes closed.
- Just relax, I will be hear in my chair.
For a minute or sow, it's just silence.

He looks at the little thing siting on his couch and drinks from a Chinese cup of tea, flourished with blue ornaments, just like the one in my hands.
- 34, actually. The shoes are a little big, that's why they slipped away, and because they have a mind of there own and for sure they are really tired.
I am Smiling. The tea is working his magic, I can speak and listen at the same time. Hope I didn't sad something stupid.

He's smiling, following with his eyes every gesture of mine.
- You are like a magic little seed, that only some can see will make some day a thriving jasmine tree.
I open my eyes, surprised at that unexpected comment. I must be red, I blushed.
- Thank you! Such a nice picture you've put in my mind.
Kid is alert and looks at both, expecting the next line, sits near masters legs, like a real trained dog, behaving properly.I smile looking at them, they make such a nice duo.

- What music you feel like listening now?
- Classic, maybe a piano like Brian Crain.
- Snow or the Dream of Flying? he's looking at me, taking he's tablet from the small table and after a moment slowly the music starts.
- Snow it is! Don't play poker, I like when your eyebrow is coming up, it's a quick answer.
I am smiling, he seems to know everything I like or need at this moment, when I don't even know to choose.
I close my eyes dancing in my mind, up in the air. Such an amazing feeling, i love piano.

- I wish I knew a piano player... Oh, did I said that out loud? I am drinking my tea, it's best that I go home.
- Hmmm, seems is Christmas for you, tonight. It's almost 00:00. I just hope that Cinderella is not disappearing.
- No, just transforming into sleeping beauty, smiling ... you have such a nice place hear. So worm and comfortable, trying to diva-gate.
Kid is wright next to me, near the couch, I put my hand into his fur, caressing his back ear and leaned my head on the arm of the sofa. It's soft, feels just like my bed.

***
hmmm ... I am trying to move an inch, or a toe, I hear a piano, I must be dreaming... wait, go back to the other dream with the dog. A ray of light is playing with my patience and a real smell of coffee invades my whole senses. Piano was stopped playing and feel something wet on fingers.

- Ooooh, come here you ! Kid cut by surprise runs quickly after the big chair.
The fire is cheerfully saying good morning and I have a coffee wright near, on the small glass table.
Am I still here? I get up and sit on the couch covered with the puffy brown blanket.
I take a quick guilty look under the blanket, I've sensed that I am not dressed, all I have is my underwear.
Kind of a sleepy had in the morning, but I don't remember what happened after...

I take the small blue flourished cup and drink from the hot coffee.
- Hmmm, good, I have chocolate too! I whisper.
Still don't remember what happened after we drank tea last night, wright from this type of china cup with blue flowers.
- Hey... start walking with my blanket on. Kid is coming with me.
I pass by my clothes hanger placed on a shelf of the big library. I can't hear the piano and I return on my place on the couch to drink my coffee. I'll wait, maybe the stranger from last night is returning.
Looking through the big glass windows I can see the fresh snow.

- You were right, milady. Last night started to snow. It's 7 November, and we have snow!
- Hey! yes... I kind of know when snow it's coming, smiling with eyes in my coffee.
- You must be a witch, good... I hope! How is coffee, more chocolate?
- Yes... no. No more chocolate. Coffee is really good, thank you for letting me stay the night! kind of surprised to woke up here. I dreamed that a piano was playing, silly me, wright?

I am too agitated, just mumbling stupid things. He looks at me and doesn't move, still analyzing me.
I try to fix my hear, and my cover falls down on my breasts. I retain it and start walking in the back of the room. Kid is coming after me.

- You know, you can stay calm, nothing wrong happened, last night!
And as much as I adore your cute butterfly boxers, I think it's time for us boys to retire.
Suddenly I realize that my but was uncovered, and turn quickly.
- Kid, come, it's not nice to look at milady dressing.
He's getting out of the leaving area and entering on the second door.
I am right next to my clothes, I get dressed and find a book on the shelf. Trying to remove it, I sense his colon with musk and a woody flavor.

- Did you read this ... looking at me, he removes a book from the shelf, wright near my hand.
- It might be a good encore for you. He is smiling, with that morning after look.
I look at the title and don't respond. He's to close, I feel his shoulder next to mine, he's expecting calm my response. I look into his eyes and a cold shiver on my back makes me tremble.
- What happened ... last night? I ask agitated.
- Still nothing happened, milady. You didn't even had the time to ask for my name!
He's turning his body and walks away leaving me there. He's trying to joke to calm me down.
I am looking troubled, still don't believe I walked into this house and just slept here, my cottage is 100 meters up... what the hell was I thinking? What is he thinking of me, now?

- I hope you are not upset... Sit down, please!
I sit on the couch and Kid sits at my feet, like a proper trained dog.
- Now, lets drink our coffee and try to relax! For instance, would you sleep with someone you don't know? I mean, do you know my name? he asks me calm, drinking his coffee.
- No! no, off course I...
I am blushing. I try to remember his name, nothings comes in my mind just Classic Hat men.
- You are joking, and I am not at all like that! I don't know your name and I don't remember what happened, but i will! I have a pretty good memory.
I drink the coffee quick, ready to go home, just to get out of there.

- I am sorry. I didn't know you will make such a fuss about this! Last night, you kind of transformed pretty quick in Sleeping Beauty ! when I played you something on the piano. That was all!
I am relived, so I don't remember because it's nothing to remember about.
- Hello, milady! I am Charles John Hatchet the third. I am really pleased to meet, you ...?
He takes my hands in his, for a moment I am lost in the black deep story of his eyes.
- Wait! what piano?!
- You know, milady. I am sure your name has no third because you are certainly unique.
He's back in his chair sitting calm waiting for an answer. Kid is listening close, banging his tail between my feet and couch.

- Oh ... I am May! Marilyn, I mean. But really, what piano?! I was just dreaming in the morning of a piano! Where is it!?
Kid goes in front and barks, looking at the flourished wall in the back of the living, just behind the desk.
- OK, are you ready? lets see the piano maybe you will sing something with me.
We both get up and he takes my arm, smiling.
- No, i couldn't, really... my voice is...
Shit! I still can't believe I am one of the few people who sees him, after the scandal. Charles J. Hatchet III...He vanished same as Adam. Lucky me I am just an editor... he cant possibly know how I look for real...

- Just promise you will hum a little, like last night. I am happy with that.
We are smiling. He takes my arm and we go to the piano. I was so wrong about him, he is cool and besides Kid is such an adorable dog.

Maybe a good friend is what we both need wright now, I wish no one will find out he's here...

CAP V- reverse psychology

What about us, we had one full night together, we talked a lot, worked a lot at times, but we never had a fight... we didn't even danced together, even if I wanted.
We had separate sweet moments encrypted in time, or just in my mind and in my pictures.
We will always be like this? stuck in a complicated situation, always with the possibility of love at our reach, to afraid to just be?!

Maybe we didn't tried, maybe that is the problem! I am so mext up that I can't think at something else, I am just walking.
And were the hell are you?!!! You just left, I have no idea where.
I stop and stare at the paving, chasing the small cracks and discontinuities. I sit on a bench for a moment, but just can't stay still. I have to walk and it's kind of cold to sit down, anyway.

You took pieces of me with you, wandering into the world searching the ideal perfect she that will never be, or exist.. and when you realize you will come home with all my broken pices... sadness, lost filed with you, you!!! ... i really miss You!!!...have to find you, find a piece of you in this town that reminds me of everything!

Stairs, it's the next floor, wright?! The door opens, good I was afraid it might be closed.
I am here! The view it's awesome, you can see all the city lights in the darkness.
I am here on top of the world! Alone!
Were are you, Adam? When will I see you again?

I love this roof garden that you made for this building. It's like a part of you that you left here for me and for everyone. I can see your hands working in that earth, planting the bushes or lilies. I can see you there and in every corner working, directing, measuring.
You change it like twice already. You will never stop to correct and improve things.
"- If the needs change, you have to come with new solutions, wright?!" you said one time when we were in this very spot, near the roof entrance...

Waiting to see the show, I come up to see your garden, one floor upper from the lobby.
You said it has no point because it's November, it's cold, no plants and maybe it's not even opened.
"- It's too dark you can't see anything now!"

I was up on the roof just seating, and looking at the city, thinking of us, or at nothing at all.
This top view around it's just amazing!
You came up and you talked with someone, our eyes met for a wile and you came to me. We walked a little just in silence, but your phone ringed, you talked with her. I just left your side not to hear the conversation, and tried some pictures in the night.
You know, you look after me when I am too far away from you, like protecting your little girl that is to far away from home.

"-She is working, she is coming latter."
Then I will have you in this day all for me! it really was our last day together, before all the scandal, before you left.
I remember I showed you the pictures and said about the view, that it is precious and unique.

You were so cute, explaining and pointing out the things you want to correct and retouch.
I love your creativity, your eyes were sparkling in the night, your hands were dazzling and your voice firm but sweet, was caressing me. Had such an insane desire to just kiss you, right then, in that very moment. You were explaining, I could have kissed you, or I think I could have.
We have to enter, the play must start. You asked me if I have a gum, and keep talking.

- I do, just have to find it, somewhere in my purse!
Thinking what kind of a fruit blueberry is.
- It is girly, has forest fruits flavor.
I tried to opened it for you, but I was shaking and in the struggle with the poor package, our hands touched. I just give you the pack, because that drive towards you came again, and my hart was running like crazy. This feelings rushed back to me when I thought there is no turning back.
Just closed my eyes for a second trying to calm down, and all that stressed filling of doing something inappropriate just vanished.
It's already to late! Our hands touched like in a dance, and all the people and noise around us disappeared.

After that moment, the one men show play was good. I knew that it will end when he will finally close all the buttons of his shirt. It was quite an interesting act.
I watched you during the play to see your reaction, It was a mixture of feelings, you were thinking mostly, maybe remembering, a bit excited, surprised and amused, but anxious.
After the play ended I left. We discussed theatrical details going down the stairs. You come out with me, to help me get a taxi, because it was my first time in this part of town. We tried a friendly goodbye kiss, but our lips just touched accidentally. I was blushing for sure. Smiling I said I am sorry, and waved a goodbye walking backwards.
You said it's alright, with a simple sweet tone. We talk.
I have text you a message from the taxi in my way home.

Am I crazy for loving you? does it even matter!
Either this, what we feel, it's not love, it's just lust, infatuation or a jealousy mix with pride, either you are not ready for love, but you should always try, it is never a prefect moment.
So, for the third time today "Marilyn! What _ do you want ?" 

In this moment just to get the hell out of this parking lot, I am just pushing the acceleration, and my car is just playing along. just drive home.
What do I want... I want to look at you and you will say in my face:
- This, whatever it is "Is over".
You will still kiss me, because you will feel like you can't stay away and you have no idea what are you saying! You can say whatever you want, you can lie, your words will never match in intensity your eyes looking into mine.
And maybe I will say:

"- It is the end or the beginning, whatever you choose now it will be!"

We are in the right time or there is no right time, now is the moment, now we can let us just be whatever we could be, no expectations... just give it a try!
I was over thinking this instead of just let it be, so what ever happens happens... I just have to see you, find you and I'll feel that I am wright, I will see it in your eyes, and feel it in your touch.
I am here, baby! I see your dark eyes when I close mine, see your sweet smile, your hands caressing mine like in a dance, you ...

You have that look of love in your eyes when you look at me, and I just can't look away.
I don't believe a word you say, your words have no meaning when you look at me! it's just like reverse psychology.

CAP. IV- Coffee House and Kat

- Hey, Muuuuaaa... kisses
- Heeeey, Girl!
- You look...really... are you OK?
She is trying to smile, but she looks at the dark wood table, not at me. Now she's rising, looking me straight in the eyes. Yes, this is my Kat.
- Sorry, you look like after war, what's with this hair?... don't you have a mirror in the cottage?
- you look...
- Stunning, amazing... I know!
She is smiling with her green changing eyes.
- Changed, in love...
- Yeeees !!!! forget it, love is just a broken record for me... no no, not in love!!!! looking for the waiter, she is smiling and touches her lips for a moment covering that smile with her fingers.
- I kind of dumped the guy from 11th floor that I liked, but you know... time is time. Then it was Blue eyes from the 15th floor... pausing she looks thru the window and her eyes squeeze a memory out of her curly red hair had. Yeeees, and the Dark-knight from 21. Now, I am free, at last!
- Ooooh, and that is a change for...

 I look at her researching that lost girl from last year, in love with our boss. She is all gone, her dark swing long hair... all gone! her green, sweet  eyes with an innocent romantic look, are vivid, shining with that green glam look that I always adored.
She is a show that you can never get bored of. She is taking about the guy with blue eyes and a dark knight that took her for a ride in the elevator. She is sooo crazy!
Her hair is moving along with her hands like in a dance. I am smiling, can't take my eyes out of her. I just love everything about her! but she can't be happy like this, can she ??!!!

- Girl, where are you ??!!!
- Amazed by your changing... It really looks fine, I mean you are... gorgeous, this dazzling hair it's so you! And that skirt with this blue vintage shirt it's so classy and sexy...
- Yes, I know! she blushes a little just for a moment I can see her romantic sweet look again, looking thru the window.
-But!!! she points at me with the spoon, That was not what I expected from you, May! always teasing me.
- Yes, Kay! you are always such a tease!!! laughing... what do you want to know?
- Some analyzing psycho insight on my change. I mean I am totally disappointed. i don't see you since august, you just quit your job and left, after our boss political fiasco with that article...What a mess!!!
- He is the owner you know, he has to be political, it's nothing new about that! He was going to fire me, or put me at shopping Christmas stories... so I left!

- Good, good for you. But Boss lost a lot, you know! Loosing you as editor, changing 7 interns in 2 month for a job that only you can do... I left him after a day. he said he lost all in a split of a second: best journalist and editor, best women, best position on top... not to mention the award. And, on top of that, you know ...best photographer! We could have had 5 awards, or all this year!... are you OK?

- He had a good chance with our article, we could... we were first to predict and right about the change, but he was to afraid to turn on the table.
- Girl, Adam left exactly when you did, only no one knows where he is! Some said he followed the lid to understand and expose once and for all this... maybe he's looking for sites like Rosia Montana in Europe, Greece...
- Yes, I know. he never gives up! that is what I love about him. He stands on his principles no matter the loss.

CAP III - 53 minutes

OK, you dreamer, late again, as usual. I am looking at my watch that I can't ever read and then at my laptop to check exactly the time. It is 10:48.
Just get in the car, you will do the list there, at a coffee house, or somewhere.

Pete will be worried, and call and definitely reschedule everything after you. It's not OK! Call him, now. It's ringing, OK, good, directly on voice mail, perfect, what should I ...
- Hi! Pete, sorry I can't get on time. we had the appointment at 11. Sorry! kisses. Call me when you are available or send me a text message with a day and our. I am OK, Marilyn.

OK, done. 53 minutes and I am there.
Keys, car keys? OK, boots or shoes? Looking in the mirror - You are kind of a mess, my dear Marilyn, but it's all working out fine. Just hurry to get into the big city, then you will figure out the rest. kind of cold, what did you expect it's November, 5. classic number for movement, action and instability. Brake! Fuck.
- Hey, watch out! Men. I am stopping near a dark men with a Fedora hat on top. Classy trend for National Park vacation. Nice boots and coat, too.

- Sorry. Everything is OK?
- OK. By ! he just turned and never even looked at me. He walked back in his garden.
I took a glimpse of him walking down the alley. I couldn't see his face, but he's hands were nice, he is an artist or musician.
Hey! why the hell I am thinking about his hands?! Really.
Something about that coldness and gaze reminded me of a phone call conversation we had.

I entered the forest, still have 38 more minutes until the entrance in Manchester on Hyde.With the sun illuminating the wet muddy road it's such a silent trip. I look in the mirrors, nothing, clear road.
That day, was in last November 21. I called you at 17:30 or something, you said that you are driving, on your way home. Your voice was sweet and tender, like always. I respond that we can talk later when you are not driving.

At 18:02 I've received one of the baddest news of my life. I am devastated, I cry. In front of something like this you can't do anything else, there is no other solution for death. I spend about an hour talking with everyone, trying to calm things down and there is just grief.
So like 19 and something I call you. I am in bed, kind of sad because of the bad news, never mind, I have my tea in my hands and I am good.
Just calling to check on you, talk something normal to a friend, something other then that and totally unrelated, because you don't have to know what happened.

Your voice sounds add, I just ask what you are doing. You write and you seem nervous for the interruption.You ask me irritated what do I want. I can't tell you just a "nothing".
Then you say some exercised text like a cliche, explain that this can't go on, meaning that I am too mext up even for you, finally that we can't be friends, because I don't get what is happening.
I am confused for a moment, you were kind of cool one our ago, what happened? is it a demonstration for your girl friend write beside you, or did you smoked something ?!!!

I talk to one of your friends in messages, to see that you are OK, at list. After I explain who I am and he confirms he knows me, I ask about you. He said that he talked to you tonight on phone and you seemed fine. And yes it is very possible you smoked something.
OK, i am disappointed that you smoke again, but finally I have an explanation and I am relived, in some bizarre way. I say thanks and wish them all best and a nice night.

Still miss you, even you have all the faults in the world !!! You are broken as every one of us is.

Just analyzing this, you always brake up on the phone?! Why can't you tell me when I am there looking in my eyes, maybe you can't.
We don't even know how to argue with each other! We never had a real fight, you just get upset and it's just silence. you closeup inside and I just can't reach you... or you vanish somewear.

I've just passed through Glossop, a small village. One curve on left and then strait on Hyde, OK. 25 minutes, and I will sit on my coffee house drinking an espresso with my friend Kathrine.
What will she say, if I tell her that I am still thinking about you after all this time.
"- Ooooh, dear! You can think and do whatever you want now, you are free, no?!!!" I can see her smiling pointing at me with her spoon, to put some wait on the free word.

Yes, I am finally free! Free! ...
My dear ex husband is also deep free in the arms of his young feminine version. Whatever!
Free, it sounds so bizarre! Still this healing process is ..."as long as it takes" like Pete said.

Entering on Hyde, red stop, it's just 11:40, maybe I could meet Kathrine at lunch brake at 12. OK green, go! Let's make someone happy today.
- Girl, I am in town, can you get out of your crappy job and come meet me at the coffee house?
- You ! here??? 10 minutes, Crazy. At our table, OK?!  Love you!
- Yes, yes. love you ! 10 is at list 20 minutes, so as planned.

OK. Pete didn't text yet, so I am free!  coffee, lunch with  sweet Kat and don't forget to go to the market.

Red light. A ray gives me a tickle on my nose, a flush back with your eyes appeared like you were just in the back sit of my car, and I see you thorough my mirror.
Still miss you and I wish I really could change this ... where and when...

CAP II - with eyes right opened

caress ... your hair felt soft and dark like my nights, smells like home. I was standing at the back of the sofa with my hand playing in your hair, with slow moves. We listen to a blues that we both love...
You turned around and caught me smiling, for a moment you looked into my eyes and our lips almost touched... 
a sound of steps outside the room makes me turn my had.
You got up to embrace me, but you stopped like a frame and took your tea cup from my hands. Your fingers touched mine for a moment, like in a good by, you just looked into my eyes, smiling.
From the back of the room we hear a door opening.  I closed my eyes. Someone else was there.

You left me with that smile, I try to look at something else, but my eyes remain contemplating your hands holding the hot cup of tea.
You respond something, that I can barely catch. All I hear is the gentle tone of your voice addressing me. I close my eyes, feeling that deep sensation of desire and thrill all over again. Your slow movements triggers images of us from a spring night that I love to relive...
you were so cute in analyzing the moment, just when I had the courage to live it, and find that I can be myself again...
now, dreaming feels like another reality.

my dawns are filled with you ... and I am looking for the unreal inside-out of a dream with eyes right opened... my dawns are filled with you ...

I could say that dreams & desire meet away from reality. In our minds, desires and thoughts come alive, but my dreams are like coming home to you!
In my dreams, I feel your touch with every pore... it's insanely real!

Sometimes I am living into a dream and it's where I want to be, alone with you into a perfect moment. You are so deep within me, mind, body & soul... like a presence!
maybe I should write, the beginning seems more clear now:

Povestea nr. 12

lumina roşiatică a răsăritului dispare încet sub roua zorilor, la fel ca în septembrie trecut ... deja de un an "la bunica, la ţară" a devenit acasă pentru amândoi, ce repede zboară timpul !!! mi-amintesc parfumul din aceea dimineaţă de septembrie, aroma viţei amestecată cu fum şi foşnetul vântului printre frunzele îngălbenite ... prima dimineaţă aici, ce ameţită eram!

zâmbesc singură retrăindu-te, ador dimineţile cu tine!
ochii tăi mă mângaie parcă de rămas bun, întind mâinile să te strâng în braţe încă o dată, sărutul tău mi-atinge vârful degetelor şi mă arde...

- Nu pleca, te rog... e devreme... mai stai ! deschid ochii cu un zâmbet dulce, privirea mea te caută...
adirea vântului pătrunde în cameră cu aroma dimineţii, rece ...o umbră dispare în primele raze de soare, perdeaua se mişcă ...

am visat! ce dulci sunt visele cu tine ... parcă simt încă sărutul tău pe vârful degetelor, ce senzaţie... razele de soare se revarsă înăuntru, mă joc cu degetele între lumină şi umbră, apoi ridic mâna încet privind-o ca pe o operă de artă căutând parcă urmele sărutului, zâmbesc ...
- ce ameţită eşti, figură! a fost un vis!

inelul străluceşte în razele soarelui de dimineţă, mă ridic din pat goală şi fac câţiva paşi pe podeaua caldă, scăldată în soare, miroase a frunze uscate, fum şi roade coapte... mi-e poftă de struguri, zâmbesc ca o copilă îndrăgostită!

iau un tricou pe mine şi îmi prind părul în vârful capului, coborâd treptele. Merg în bucătărie...
strugurii prospeți surâd în rotunjirea lor veseli, apa se scurge rapid printre boabele galben-verzui, rece ... o clipă este numai curgere şi lumină, reflexii... gândurile au rămas în vis, ce am visat ca nu mai stiu...am numai senzaţia că am visat frumos...

mă sprijin cu fruntea de ușa dulăpiorului cu cești, închid ochii, strâns și număr, de parcă gestul ar concentra într-o clipire totul, reînodând secvențele unui film încă în ceață.
degust încet, concentrată pe amintiri...
- hmmm!!! aroma strugurilor se scurge moale și rece, mă înfioară.

privirea îmi alunecă cercetând încăperea, ar trebui un pic de ordine, până nu vine cineva, să fac o cafea... două pahare și o sticlă de vin goală stau liniștite pe bar, pregătite pentru spălat, lângă resturile cinei de aseară. În fața șemineului, sofaua veche cu pătura mea moale, cartea rămasă deschisă.
Citeam și-atunci ai apărut, aseară târziu. Te-am simțit numai când erai lângă sofa.
Ți-am gătit pui cu ciuperci și prune uscate, parcă simt încă aromele întrepătrunse molatec.
Zâmbeai, povesteai de noul apartament la care lucrezi, entuziast de toate problemele, căutând soluțiile în ochii mei, în vorbele tale amestecate printre lungi tăceri.

Zâmbeam tăcută, ador când vorbești despre amenajări, palete de culori, poziționarea luminilor și stilul de mobilier pe care îl vezi deja între pereții din cărămidă aparentă, sau zugrăveală căzută. Orice ruină e o nouă provocare, ca o epavă numai bună de salvat și lansat în valurile vieții. Aveai schițele cu tine, ne-am uitat împreună și ai mai adăugat și schimbat câteva detalii, peretele cu pattern floral din living, pe care pică lumina soarelui duminică după amiaza. Apartamentul florilor de mai, așa am denumit proiectul în glumă.

Privesc inelul de pe deget și imagini îmi năvălesc amestacate în minte, derulând pe fast forward și în revers: cina, vinul, sărutul tău, cum m-ai surprins lângă bar cuprinzându-mă în brațe, cutia vișinie, inelul, m-ai luat pe sus râzând, pe trepte, dormitorul cu perdelele zburând, m-ai trântit în pat, zâmbeam, m-ai întrebat ce vreau așa serios, am râs, te-am sărutat și hainele au zburat prin cameră, cearcefurile reci, noi în lumina lunii și vântul, podeaua caldă încă de la soare și noi doi goi frânți zâmbind.

Ți-am spus ce vreau, nu ai mai zis nimic, ai zâmbit cu degetele mângâindu-ți barba moale.
după momente dulci de tăcere, mi-ai răspus:
- Și eu vreau ... te-am sărutat de mii de ori ca un copil nebun... ce dulci sunt clipele cu tine!
- Ești nebună! Nu a fost un vis!!!
ridic mâna surâzând, a fost o dorință împlinită în prima zi aici, aseara... suntem săriți de pe fix, așteptam să mă întorc în oraș, dar... ce va, fi va fi!

Aștepți să mă trezesc, să mă suni, e 10 fără 7 minute.Trebuia să pleci să fii dimineață în oraș, la noua amenajare. Mănușile de piele le-ai uitat aici, cred că ai înghețat dimineața pe motor.
E gata cafeaua, un pic de ordine.
- Hmmmm...
Închid ochii amețită, gustând prima cafea din prima zi fericită, încă simt parfumul tău în mica cameră. Zâmbesc, fără sens, motiv ...gata cu visele!

- Ce e cu tine, hai că avem treabă azi! Nea Costel tre-să vină, să vedem ce se întâmplă cu via. Bunica culegea după 15 septembrie, aşa că e clar prea devreme să culegem ! M-am hotărât, gata!
Se aud bătăi scurte în ușă. 
- Duduiță?!!! o voce blândă și groasă de atâta tutun și ani, răsună emoționat dincolo de ușă.
- Imediat !!! pornesc să mă îmbrac cu ceva, niște pantaloni ar trebui ... urc scările, încurajându-mă în gând. 
- OfffOfff... A sosit timpul, duduie Adelina! Acum tu hotărăști ce se întâmplă la moșia Grigoraș, când se taie via, când cântă cocoșul, ce flori se pun în grădină, când să vină grădinarul ...
-Da, intrați! Bună Dimineața, Nea Costel! Dar fără țigări, aici... încerc să mă las.
- Costel Postăvaru, sărut mâna, duduie Mara!
- Adelina Mara Salcâm, designer ... și mai nou stăpân pe moșia Grigoraș.
- Duduița, Mara...

***
- I fucking miss you, SO MUCH that ... i can barely breath ! I can't even cry!

- OK ! I feel I should stop writing now. At least she is happy, she is with him...or you! Feels like I am getting crazier by the minute, but if she is happy maybe I will find my happiness too...
maybe I will find myself, again!

- It makes no sense, or all the sense in the world! You are just over thinking this, too much... STOP writing, now! Pete said this will be hard, so it's normal to feel like this!
- Pete is always write! I am dropping the pen because my hand already hurts.
- Yeah, wright! like he's standing on his green chair listening all day to crazy people! What the fuck can be normal after that! My eyes remain on the red pen moving in front of me, near the laptop.

- Still...he's wright, I mean it really feels like "hell"... if hell is torture, craving for all of you! turning from the desk and rotating in my red chair.
I am getting up from my chair, leaving the desk, I walk through the room, nervous, between door and the front window. The floral pattern of this carpet is so rusty and sad that I can see strait lines of walking over and over.
- Could be... no! no, I am hear just for a month, or so. It's November 2014.

- I am too tired and it's just 8:08 ... in the morning. It's just sometimes I am so deeply sank in my thoughts, in this strange mind ... I miss you! I want you...
- Hmmm...I bet one day this will be a joke for us!
- OK, I am taking the day off to clear my head, anyway, today I have an appointment with Pete.
I kind of know already what He's going to say about this, but it's good that at least I can talk to someone real, or grounded and sane ... about all of this, just get it out!
- OK, free day! we have business today !!! walking down the stairs.

- what name should I give her, really at some point ... Adriana or Adelina, Maria, no, no! she will be Adela, sounds good! Decided! what about you, maybe I should change your real name...
I think I will drink a green tea, entering the living... I put the kettle and take a sit at the small bar looking for the perfect view thru the two narrow but high windows.

My green tea with apricot flavor is ready. I pour tea slowly into my cup. I sit again, covering the top. My hand redraws one flower on this side of the cup.
I love this floral teacup, you brought it to me one day for no special reason. I remember you in the smallest things.

Morning light stained the wooden floor in the living room... shade trees moving in the wind, dancing on my floor...I put a swing on my phone, and smiling I drink slowly from my teacup, inspiring this sweet sent of tranquility.

At this time there is only shade trees, swing and my flavored tea in the floral cup.
I feel so lucky to be here in the small cottage into the forest, living in this small moment just holding in my hands a cup of tea.

- let's see a list of supplies, if I have to go into the "big city"!
I don't have fresh things, vegetables, fruits, nuts, berries, cereals ...basics, apples.
Oh! here it is one, red. I take the red apple and smell it and then smile. I go at the sink to wash it and as the clear water flows on the red apple, flashes and pieces come back into my mind like a movie, rewind: you smiling with a shirt full of apples from the meadow, handing me a big red apple...

It was such a nice day, working side by side, you drifting away from me some times, with me following your every move. It was so hard to concentrate with you so close all day. I had no control of things, and that scared me for the first time. Smiling I take a big bite from my apple, this soar-sweet flavor reminds me of you and that day.

We had a brake from work and eat under the cherry tree, what could be more perfect then that !!! Table and chairs were set, ham and cheese, smiles.
I was overwhelmed by that sweet sensation of releasing a brake, or taking the hands from the bicycle handles, while on descending slope. I was happy and didn't even know what to do with that unexpected thrill.
I talked a lot  and for sure smiled a lot. I don't even remember what I was saying ... And it was summer, a worm sweet breeze with sounds of the earth, near lake and trees gathered in a song.

Now every bite and every red apple will remind me of you, I can't think of nothing else!
 All this rushed feelings, it's like i am drowning, still hurts that you are gone, and I just feel my hart in pieces, with all my bruises...
close my eyes to erase some of these tension. Just breath, it's OK. It's just not the time!

CAP I- wondering

woken up naked, covered with kisses on my fingertips and your shadow disappeared at the first glimpse of light ... another strange dream that felt so real on my skin ... I can replay the warmth of your kisses over& over again it's such a sweet torture! 

still miss you and that is not going to change for a long time ...

I feel your smell sometimes, see your hands, a gesture, the strength and sweetness in your eyes watching me writing in my room, your voice so gentle like a touch, you! 
I think and talk to you all the time in my mind, only you!

I can't deal with this now and I have no choice... I am so damaged ! what if ...
I need air! I feel like is no air, I can't breathe... easy now, calm down -1...2...3...1...2...
Still can't be alone mornings and at nights, have to get out take a walk to clear my head... 
I need a sweater, my cap, where the hell is it? a scarf ok , my notebook...

- At last... air!!! getting out, the door slams.
- I locked the door? I guess... taking a few small steps
- I am not going back in now! I will be back in half our, nothing happens here anyway, you have to admit you are in the middle of nowhere! 
- Hello ?!!! Hello!!! see nothing, no one ...You are crazy! Nothing new ...

It's freezing, still this coldness helps me think strait. This was a choice not a mistake, like last year!
As usual I am to blame, I am impossible :) I remember my words came out then without thinking:
- "Are you busy today? ...  Let's spend this day together!" 

I feel we had so many sweet moments... we were so clumsy, testing, searching a hint, a reaction, until that kiss. I feel closer to the "happy me" when we're together, I feel alive again, not stuck in a perfect picture, isn't it enough?!!!

... And I am not a needy girl in love... lost in a dream with you. It sounds so far from the essence: technically, can't say that I am lost, I know what I feel, it's just not the right time frame, I am waiting. Still not happy with this!!! and you left so far away!!! I trust my feeling, you will come back when it's time, I can live with this! Maybe, I can ...

Walking, a moment of peace, when a bird flies over the trees and I realize how good it must feel to spread your wings and fly away in this clear sky, with wind in my hear and this forest song, the leaves and branches move like in a dance! smiling ... I am good, just a little crazy... I am healing, away from everything, just me and my boots! 

Windy day, did I eat this morning, need something sweet, maybe pancakes. I have to go back to write, today I will start my novel "the road to happiness!" Nice day to start writing, it's 28 of october, maybe in spring my "therapy book" it's done. I feel good about this, and this place it's like magical, the Neverland.
- Where the hell am I? lost again! wondering in my head and my steps are going without a destination... still, nothing happens without a reason, no? 

I know this tree, a few steps and I will see the river, it's ok, I can do this! need this cold river flow sensation - you know, that enters in you, freezing until you scream... until you react... sadness & lost feels like nothing! 

One more step, and the perfect view opens in front of me, near the river a few stones, an older tree, oak maybe, to close the picture in one side, deep forest in the other side, then you can see the valley and the mountains with all the colors of autumn, in the clear morning sky. I could paint this in my mind already, I know it by hart.

- This view is breathtaking! ... and I don't have my camera. I leaned on the old tree and stood there for a moment it was a big silence, even my thought stopped for this moment, or I just didn't wanted to listen anymore, just silence...

I have the extreme feeling that something it's just in front of me and I can't name it!

I feel something moving near my leg, for a moment I couldn't look down, just froze. A strong bark reassures me that everything is cool. I look down and smile instantly.
- Hey, puppy! I bent to the little thing next to my leg and touch his brown curly had. He's some kind of terrier.He smells my hand with his cute black nose.
- You are so cute! How did you get here, Kid? Do you have an owner, looking at the neck to see if something is written on hes collar. Nothing. He is a puppy, small, just one or two month old.

He is alert at the surroundings, but he looks back at me and sweeps hes short tail. Had is long and flat, hes back and sides of the body are black, short ears... I think he's an Airedale or Bingley Terrier.

- OK, Kid! We should get back home, what do you say, are you coming with me?
He responds with a strong bark, and starts moving around me, he is playful and fun. I laugh and start walking back home.
28 oct. - 20 nov. 2013