still miss you and that is not going to change for a long time ...
I feel your smell sometimes, see your hands, a gesture, the strength and sweetness in your eyes watching me writing in my room, your voice so gentle like a touch, you!
I think and talk to you all the time in my mind, only you!
I can't deal with this now and I have no choice... I am so damaged ! what if ...
I need air! I feel like is no air, I can't breathe... easy now, calm down -1...2...3...1...2...
Still can't be alone mornings and at nights, have to get out take a walk to clear my head...
I need a sweater, my cap, where the hell is it? a scarf ok , my notebook...
- At last... air!!! getting out, the door slams.
- I locked the door? I guess... taking a few small steps
- I am not going back in now! I will be back in half our, nothing happens here anyway, you have to admit you are in the middle of nowhere!
- Hello ?!!! Hello!!! see nothing, no one ...You are crazy! Nothing new ...
It's freezing, still this coldness helps me think strait. This was a choice not a mistake, like last year!
As usual I am to blame, I am impossible :) I remember my words came out then without thinking:
- "Are you busy today? ... Let's spend this day together!"
I feel we had so many sweet moments... we were so clumsy, testing, searching a hint, a reaction, until that kiss. I feel closer to the "happy me" when we're together, I feel alive again, not stuck in a perfect picture, isn't it enough?!!!
... And I am not a needy girl in love... lost in a dream with you. It sounds so far from the essence: technically, can't say that I am lost, I know what I feel, it's just not the right time frame, I am waiting. Still not happy with this!!! and you left so far away!!! I trust my feeling, you will come back when it's time, I can live with this! Maybe, I can ...
Walking, a moment of peace, when a bird flies over the trees and I realize how good it must feel to spread your wings and fly away in this clear sky, with wind in my hear and this forest song, the leaves and branches move like in a dance! smiling ... I am good, just a little crazy... I am healing, away from everything, just me and my boots!
Windy day, did I eat this morning, need something sweet, maybe pancakes. I have to go back to write, today I will start my novel "the road to happiness!" Nice day to start writing, it's 28 of october, maybe in spring my "therapy book" it's done. I feel good about this, and this place it's like magical, the Neverland.
- Where the hell am I? lost again! wondering in my head and my steps are going without a destination... still, nothing happens without a reason, no?
I know this tree, a few steps and I will see the river, it's ok, I can do this! need this cold river flow sensation - you know, that enters in you, freezing until you scream... until you react... sadness & lost feels like nothing!
One more step, and the perfect view opens in front of me, near the river a few stones, an older tree, oak maybe, to close the picture in one side, deep forest in the other side, then you can see the valley and the mountains with all the colors of autumn, in the clear morning sky. I could paint this in my mind already, I know it by hart.
- This view is breathtaking! ... and I don't have my camera. I leaned on the old tree and stood there for a moment it was a big silence, even my thought stopped for this moment, or I just didn't wanted to listen anymore, just silence...
I have the extreme feeling that something it's just in front of me and I can't name it!
I feel something moving near my leg, for a moment I couldn't look down, just froze. A strong bark reassures me that everything is cool. I look down and smile instantly.
- Hey, puppy! I bent to the little thing next to my leg and touch his brown curly had. He's some kind of terrier.He smells my hand with his cute black nose.
- You are so cute! How did you get here, Kid? Do you have an owner, looking at the neck to see if something is written on hes collar. Nothing. He is a puppy, small, just one or two month old.
He is alert at the surroundings, but he looks back at me and sweeps hes short tail. Had is long and flat, hes back and sides of the body are black, short ears... I think he's an Airedale or Bingley Terrier.
- OK, Kid! We should get back home, what do you say, are you coming with me?
He responds with a strong bark, and starts moving around me, he is playful and fun. I laugh and start walking back home.
28 oct. - 20 nov. 2013
- This view is breathtaking! ... and I don't have my camera. I leaned on the old tree and stood there for a moment it was a big silence, even my thought stopped for this moment, or I just didn't wanted to listen anymore, just silence...
I have the extreme feeling that something it's just in front of me and I can't name it!
I feel something moving near my leg, for a moment I couldn't look down, just froze. A strong bark reassures me that everything is cool. I look down and smile instantly.
- Hey, puppy! I bent to the little thing next to my leg and touch his brown curly had. He's some kind of terrier.He smells my hand with his cute black nose.
- You are so cute! How did you get here, Kid? Do you have an owner, looking at the neck to see if something is written on hes collar. Nothing. He is a puppy, small, just one or two month old.
He is alert at the surroundings, but he looks back at me and sweeps hes short tail. Had is long and flat, hes back and sides of the body are black, short ears... I think he's an Airedale or Bingley Terrier.
- OK, Kid! We should get back home, what do you say, are you coming with me?
He responds with a strong bark, and starts moving around me, he is playful and fun. I laugh and start walking back home.
28 oct. - 20 nov. 2013
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