CAP III - 53 minutes

OK, you dreamer, late again, as usual. I am looking at my watch that I can't ever read and then at my laptop to check exactly the time. It is 10:48.
Just get in the car, you will do the list there, at a coffee house, or somewhere.

Pete will be worried, and call and definitely reschedule everything after you. It's not OK! Call him, now. It's ringing, OK, good, directly on voice mail, perfect, what should I ...
- Hi! Pete, sorry I can't get on time. we had the appointment at 11. Sorry! kisses. Call me when you are available or send me a text message with a day and our. I am OK, Marilyn.

OK, done. 53 minutes and I am there.
Keys, car keys? OK, boots or shoes? Looking in the mirror - You are kind of a mess, my dear Marilyn, but it's all working out fine. Just hurry to get into the big city, then you will figure out the rest. kind of cold, what did you expect it's November, 5. classic number for movement, action and instability. Brake! Fuck.
- Hey, watch out! Men. I am stopping near a dark men with a Fedora hat on top. Classy trend for National Park vacation. Nice boots and coat, too.

- Sorry. Everything is OK?
- OK. By ! he just turned and never even looked at me. He walked back in his garden.
I took a glimpse of him walking down the alley. I couldn't see his face, but he's hands were nice, he is an artist or musician.
Hey! why the hell I am thinking about his hands?! Really.
Something about that coldness and gaze reminded me of a phone call conversation we had.

I entered the forest, still have 38 more minutes until the entrance in Manchester on Hyde.With the sun illuminating the wet muddy road it's such a silent trip. I look in the mirrors, nothing, clear road.
That day, was in last November 21. I called you at 17:30 or something, you said that you are driving, on your way home. Your voice was sweet and tender, like always. I respond that we can talk later when you are not driving.

At 18:02 I've received one of the baddest news of my life. I am devastated, I cry. In front of something like this you can't do anything else, there is no other solution for death. I spend about an hour talking with everyone, trying to calm things down and there is just grief.
So like 19 and something I call you. I am in bed, kind of sad because of the bad news, never mind, I have my tea in my hands and I am good.
Just calling to check on you, talk something normal to a friend, something other then that and totally unrelated, because you don't have to know what happened.

Your voice sounds add, I just ask what you are doing. You write and you seem nervous for the interruption.You ask me irritated what do I want. I can't tell you just a "nothing".
Then you say some exercised text like a cliche, explain that this can't go on, meaning that I am too mext up even for you, finally that we can't be friends, because I don't get what is happening.
I am confused for a moment, you were kind of cool one our ago, what happened? is it a demonstration for your girl friend write beside you, or did you smoked something ?!!!

I talk to one of your friends in messages, to see that you are OK, at list. After I explain who I am and he confirms he knows me, I ask about you. He said that he talked to you tonight on phone and you seemed fine. And yes it is very possible you smoked something.
OK, i am disappointed that you smoke again, but finally I have an explanation and I am relived, in some bizarre way. I say thanks and wish them all best and a nice night.

Still miss you, even you have all the faults in the world !!! You are broken as every one of us is.

Just analyzing this, you always brake up on the phone?! Why can't you tell me when I am there looking in my eyes, maybe you can't.
We don't even know how to argue with each other! We never had a real fight, you just get upset and it's just silence. you closeup inside and I just can't reach you... or you vanish somewear.

I've just passed through Glossop, a small village. One curve on left and then strait on Hyde, OK. 25 minutes, and I will sit on my coffee house drinking an espresso with my friend Kathrine.
What will she say, if I tell her that I am still thinking about you after all this time.
"- Ooooh, dear! You can think and do whatever you want now, you are free, no?!!!" I can see her smiling pointing at me with her spoon, to put some wait on the free word.

Yes, I am finally free! Free! ...
My dear ex husband is also deep free in the arms of his young feminine version. Whatever!
Free, it sounds so bizarre! Still this healing process is ..."as long as it takes" like Pete said.

Entering on Hyde, red stop, it's just 11:40, maybe I could meet Kathrine at lunch brake at 12. OK green, go! Let's make someone happy today.
- Girl, I am in town, can you get out of your crappy job and come meet me at the coffee house?
- You ! here??? 10 minutes, Crazy. At our table, OK?!  Love you!
- Yes, yes. love you ! 10 is at list 20 minutes, so as planned.

OK. Pete didn't text yet, so I am free!  coffee, lunch with  sweet Kat and don't forget to go to the market.

Red light. A ray gives me a tickle on my nose, a flush back with your eyes appeared like you were just in the back sit of my car, and I see you thorough my mirror.
Still miss you and I wish I really could change this ... where and when...

CAP II - with eyes right opened

caress ... your hair felt soft and dark like my nights, smells like home. I was standing at the back of the sofa with my hand playing in your hair, with slow moves. We listen to a blues that we both love...
You turned around and caught me smiling, for a moment you looked into my eyes and our lips almost touched... 
a sound of steps outside the room makes me turn my had.
You got up to embrace me, but you stopped like a frame and took your tea cup from my hands. Your fingers touched mine for a moment, like in a good by, you just looked into my eyes, smiling.
From the back of the room we hear a door opening.  I closed my eyes. Someone else was there.

You left me with that smile, I try to look at something else, but my eyes remain contemplating your hands holding the hot cup of tea.
You respond something, that I can barely catch. All I hear is the gentle tone of your voice addressing me. I close my eyes, feeling that deep sensation of desire and thrill all over again. Your slow movements triggers images of us from a spring night that I love to relive...
you were so cute in analyzing the moment, just when I had the courage to live it, and find that I can be myself again...
now, dreaming feels like another reality.

my dawns are filled with you ... and I am looking for the unreal inside-out of a dream with eyes right opened... my dawns are filled with you ...

I could say that dreams & desire meet away from reality. In our minds, desires and thoughts come alive, but my dreams are like coming home to you!
In my dreams, I feel your touch with every pore... it's insanely real!

Sometimes I am living into a dream and it's where I want to be, alone with you into a perfect moment. You are so deep within me, mind, body & soul... like a presence!
maybe I should write, the beginning seems more clear now:

Povestea nr. 12

lumina roşiatică a răsăritului dispare încet sub roua zorilor, la fel ca în septembrie trecut ... deja de un an "la bunica, la ţară" a devenit acasă pentru amândoi, ce repede zboară timpul !!! mi-amintesc parfumul din aceea dimineaţă de septembrie, aroma viţei amestecată cu fum şi foşnetul vântului printre frunzele îngălbenite ... prima dimineaţă aici, ce ameţită eram!

zâmbesc singură retrăindu-te, ador dimineţile cu tine!
ochii tăi mă mângaie parcă de rămas bun, întind mâinile să te strâng în braţe încă o dată, sărutul tău mi-atinge vârful degetelor şi mă arde...

- Nu pleca, te rog... e devreme... mai stai ! deschid ochii cu un zâmbet dulce, privirea mea te caută...
adirea vântului pătrunde în cameră cu aroma dimineţii, rece ...o umbră dispare în primele raze de soare, perdeaua se mişcă ...

am visat! ce dulci sunt visele cu tine ... parcă simt încă sărutul tău pe vârful degetelor, ce senzaţie... razele de soare se revarsă înăuntru, mă joc cu degetele între lumină şi umbră, apoi ridic mâna încet privind-o ca pe o operă de artă căutând parcă urmele sărutului, zâmbesc ...
- ce ameţită eşti, figură! a fost un vis!

inelul străluceşte în razele soarelui de dimineţă, mă ridic din pat goală şi fac câţiva paşi pe podeaua caldă, scăldată în soare, miroase a frunze uscate, fum şi roade coapte... mi-e poftă de struguri, zâmbesc ca o copilă îndrăgostită!

iau un tricou pe mine şi îmi prind părul în vârful capului, coborâd treptele. Merg în bucătărie...
strugurii prospeți surâd în rotunjirea lor veseli, apa se scurge rapid printre boabele galben-verzui, rece ... o clipă este numai curgere şi lumină, reflexii... gândurile au rămas în vis, ce am visat ca nu mai stiu...am numai senzaţia că am visat frumos...

mă sprijin cu fruntea de ușa dulăpiorului cu cești, închid ochii, strâns și număr, de parcă gestul ar concentra într-o clipire totul, reînodând secvențele unui film încă în ceață.
degust încet, concentrată pe amintiri...
- hmmm!!! aroma strugurilor se scurge moale și rece, mă înfioară.

privirea îmi alunecă cercetând încăperea, ar trebui un pic de ordine, până nu vine cineva, să fac o cafea... două pahare și o sticlă de vin goală stau liniștite pe bar, pregătite pentru spălat, lângă resturile cinei de aseară. În fața șemineului, sofaua veche cu pătura mea moale, cartea rămasă deschisă.
Citeam și-atunci ai apărut, aseară târziu. Te-am simțit numai când erai lângă sofa.
Ți-am gătit pui cu ciuperci și prune uscate, parcă simt încă aromele întrepătrunse molatec.
Zâmbeai, povesteai de noul apartament la care lucrezi, entuziast de toate problemele, căutând soluțiile în ochii mei, în vorbele tale amestecate printre lungi tăceri.

Zâmbeam tăcută, ador când vorbești despre amenajări, palete de culori, poziționarea luminilor și stilul de mobilier pe care îl vezi deja între pereții din cărămidă aparentă, sau zugrăveală căzută. Orice ruină e o nouă provocare, ca o epavă numai bună de salvat și lansat în valurile vieții. Aveai schițele cu tine, ne-am uitat împreună și ai mai adăugat și schimbat câteva detalii, peretele cu pattern floral din living, pe care pică lumina soarelui duminică după amiaza. Apartamentul florilor de mai, așa am denumit proiectul în glumă.

Privesc inelul de pe deget și imagini îmi năvălesc amestacate în minte, derulând pe fast forward și în revers: cina, vinul, sărutul tău, cum m-ai surprins lângă bar cuprinzându-mă în brațe, cutia vișinie, inelul, m-ai luat pe sus râzând, pe trepte, dormitorul cu perdelele zburând, m-ai trântit în pat, zâmbeam, m-ai întrebat ce vreau așa serios, am râs, te-am sărutat și hainele au zburat prin cameră, cearcefurile reci, noi în lumina lunii și vântul, podeaua caldă încă de la soare și noi doi goi frânți zâmbind.

Ți-am spus ce vreau, nu ai mai zis nimic, ai zâmbit cu degetele mângâindu-ți barba moale.
după momente dulci de tăcere, mi-ai răspus:
- Și eu vreau ... te-am sărutat de mii de ori ca un copil nebun... ce dulci sunt clipele cu tine!
- Ești nebună! Nu a fost un vis!!!
ridic mâna surâzând, a fost o dorință împlinită în prima zi aici, aseara... suntem săriți de pe fix, așteptam să mă întorc în oraș, dar... ce va, fi va fi!

Aștepți să mă trezesc, să mă suni, e 10 fără 7 minute.Trebuia să pleci să fii dimineață în oraș, la noua amenajare. Mănușile de piele le-ai uitat aici, cred că ai înghețat dimineața pe motor.
E gata cafeaua, un pic de ordine.
- Hmmmm...
Închid ochii amețită, gustând prima cafea din prima zi fericită, încă simt parfumul tău în mica cameră. Zâmbesc, fără sens, motiv ...gata cu visele!

- Ce e cu tine, hai că avem treabă azi! Nea Costel tre-să vină, să vedem ce se întâmplă cu via. Bunica culegea după 15 septembrie, aşa că e clar prea devreme să culegem ! M-am hotărât, gata!
Se aud bătăi scurte în ușă. 
- Duduiță?!!! o voce blândă și groasă de atâta tutun și ani, răsună emoționat dincolo de ușă.
- Imediat !!! pornesc să mă îmbrac cu ceva, niște pantaloni ar trebui ... urc scările, încurajându-mă în gând. 
- OfffOfff... A sosit timpul, duduie Adelina! Acum tu hotărăști ce se întâmplă la moșia Grigoraș, când se taie via, când cântă cocoșul, ce flori se pun în grădină, când să vină grădinarul ...
-Da, intrați! Bună Dimineața, Nea Costel! Dar fără țigări, aici... încerc să mă las.
- Costel Postăvaru, sărut mâna, duduie Mara!
- Adelina Mara Salcâm, designer ... și mai nou stăpân pe moșia Grigoraș.
- Duduița, Mara...

***
- I fucking miss you, SO MUCH that ... i can barely breath ! I can't even cry!

- OK ! I feel I should stop writing now. At least she is happy, she is with him...or you! Feels like I am getting crazier by the minute, but if she is happy maybe I will find my happiness too...
maybe I will find myself, again!

- It makes no sense, or all the sense in the world! You are just over thinking this, too much... STOP writing, now! Pete said this will be hard, so it's normal to feel like this!
- Pete is always write! I am dropping the pen because my hand already hurts.
- Yeah, wright! like he's standing on his green chair listening all day to crazy people! What the fuck can be normal after that! My eyes remain on the red pen moving in front of me, near the laptop.

- Still...he's wright, I mean it really feels like "hell"... if hell is torture, craving for all of you! turning from the desk and rotating in my red chair.
I am getting up from my chair, leaving the desk, I walk through the room, nervous, between door and the front window. The floral pattern of this carpet is so rusty and sad that I can see strait lines of walking over and over.
- Could be... no! no, I am hear just for a month, or so. It's November 2014.

- I am too tired and it's just 8:08 ... in the morning. It's just sometimes I am so deeply sank in my thoughts, in this strange mind ... I miss you! I want you...
- Hmmm...I bet one day this will be a joke for us!
- OK, I am taking the day off to clear my head, anyway, today I have an appointment with Pete.
I kind of know already what He's going to say about this, but it's good that at least I can talk to someone real, or grounded and sane ... about all of this, just get it out!
- OK, free day! we have business today !!! walking down the stairs.

- what name should I give her, really at some point ... Adriana or Adelina, Maria, no, no! she will be Adela, sounds good! Decided! what about you, maybe I should change your real name...
I think I will drink a green tea, entering the living... I put the kettle and take a sit at the small bar looking for the perfect view thru the two narrow but high windows.

My green tea with apricot flavor is ready. I pour tea slowly into my cup. I sit again, covering the top. My hand redraws one flower on this side of the cup.
I love this floral teacup, you brought it to me one day for no special reason. I remember you in the smallest things.

Morning light stained the wooden floor in the living room... shade trees moving in the wind, dancing on my floor...I put a swing on my phone, and smiling I drink slowly from my teacup, inspiring this sweet sent of tranquility.

At this time there is only shade trees, swing and my flavored tea in the floral cup.
I feel so lucky to be here in the small cottage into the forest, living in this small moment just holding in my hands a cup of tea.

- let's see a list of supplies, if I have to go into the "big city"!
I don't have fresh things, vegetables, fruits, nuts, berries, cereals ...basics, apples.
Oh! here it is one, red. I take the red apple and smell it and then smile. I go at the sink to wash it and as the clear water flows on the red apple, flashes and pieces come back into my mind like a movie, rewind: you smiling with a shirt full of apples from the meadow, handing me a big red apple...

It was such a nice day, working side by side, you drifting away from me some times, with me following your every move. It was so hard to concentrate with you so close all day. I had no control of things, and that scared me for the first time. Smiling I take a big bite from my apple, this soar-sweet flavor reminds me of you and that day.

We had a brake from work and eat under the cherry tree, what could be more perfect then that !!! Table and chairs were set, ham and cheese, smiles.
I was overwhelmed by that sweet sensation of releasing a brake, or taking the hands from the bicycle handles, while on descending slope. I was happy and didn't even know what to do with that unexpected thrill.
I talked a lot  and for sure smiled a lot. I don't even remember what I was saying ... And it was summer, a worm sweet breeze with sounds of the earth, near lake and trees gathered in a song.

Now every bite and every red apple will remind me of you, I can't think of nothing else!
 All this rushed feelings, it's like i am drowning, still hurts that you are gone, and I just feel my hart in pieces, with all my bruises...
close my eyes to erase some of these tension. Just breath, it's OK. It's just not the time!

CAP I- wondering

woken up naked, covered with kisses on my fingertips and your shadow disappeared at the first glimpse of light ... another strange dream that felt so real on my skin ... I can replay the warmth of your kisses over& over again it's such a sweet torture! 

still miss you and that is not going to change for a long time ...

I feel your smell sometimes, see your hands, a gesture, the strength and sweetness in your eyes watching me writing in my room, your voice so gentle like a touch, you! 
I think and talk to you all the time in my mind, only you!

I can't deal with this now and I have no choice... I am so damaged ! what if ...
I need air! I feel like is no air, I can't breathe... easy now, calm down -1...2...3...1...2...
Still can't be alone mornings and at nights, have to get out take a walk to clear my head... 
I need a sweater, my cap, where the hell is it? a scarf ok , my notebook...

- At last... air!!! getting out, the door slams.
- I locked the door? I guess... taking a few small steps
- I am not going back in now! I will be back in half our, nothing happens here anyway, you have to admit you are in the middle of nowhere! 
- Hello ?!!! Hello!!! see nothing, no one ...You are crazy! Nothing new ...

It's freezing, still this coldness helps me think strait. This was a choice not a mistake, like last year!
As usual I am to blame, I am impossible :) I remember my words came out then without thinking:
- "Are you busy today? ...  Let's spend this day together!" 

I feel we had so many sweet moments... we were so clumsy, testing, searching a hint, a reaction, until that kiss. I feel closer to the "happy me" when we're together, I feel alive again, not stuck in a perfect picture, isn't it enough?!!!

... And I am not a needy girl in love... lost in a dream with you. It sounds so far from the essence: technically, can't say that I am lost, I know what I feel, it's just not the right time frame, I am waiting. Still not happy with this!!! and you left so far away!!! I trust my feeling, you will come back when it's time, I can live with this! Maybe, I can ...

Walking, a moment of peace, when a bird flies over the trees and I realize how good it must feel to spread your wings and fly away in this clear sky, with wind in my hear and this forest song, the leaves and branches move like in a dance! smiling ... I am good, just a little crazy... I am healing, away from everything, just me and my boots! 

Windy day, did I eat this morning, need something sweet, maybe pancakes. I have to go back to write, today I will start my novel "the road to happiness!" Nice day to start writing, it's 28 of october, maybe in spring my "therapy book" it's done. I feel good about this, and this place it's like magical, the Neverland.
- Where the hell am I? lost again! wondering in my head and my steps are going without a destination... still, nothing happens without a reason, no? 

I know this tree, a few steps and I will see the river, it's ok, I can do this! need this cold river flow sensation - you know, that enters in you, freezing until you scream... until you react... sadness & lost feels like nothing! 

One more step, and the perfect view opens in front of me, near the river a few stones, an older tree, oak maybe, to close the picture in one side, deep forest in the other side, then you can see the valley and the mountains with all the colors of autumn, in the clear morning sky. I could paint this in my mind already, I know it by hart.

- This view is breathtaking! ... and I don't have my camera. I leaned on the old tree and stood there for a moment it was a big silence, even my thought stopped for this moment, or I just didn't wanted to listen anymore, just silence...

I have the extreme feeling that something it's just in front of me and I can't name it!

I feel something moving near my leg, for a moment I couldn't look down, just froze. A strong bark reassures me that everything is cool. I look down and smile instantly.
- Hey, puppy! I bent to the little thing next to my leg and touch his brown curly had. He's some kind of terrier.He smells my hand with his cute black nose.
- You are so cute! How did you get here, Kid? Do you have an owner, looking at the neck to see if something is written on hes collar. Nothing. He is a puppy, small, just one or two month old.

He is alert at the surroundings, but he looks back at me and sweeps hes short tail. Had is long and flat, hes back and sides of the body are black, short ears... I think he's an Airedale or Bingley Terrier.

- OK, Kid! We should get back home, what do you say, are you coming with me?
He responds with a strong bark, and starts moving around me, he is playful and fun. I laugh and start walking back home.
28 oct. - 20 nov. 2013