CAP VII. beyond beginning

What if... but we can't know if it works, until we try! This feelings are going to change with time, it's like a test, a puzzle to compose again and again in between.
I am sitting in my red chair in front of a black screen desktop  with white letters:
Just write, May! it's better!
Just write, now! At list I am not constantly thinking and rethinking this!
Esc and Open a blank page.

What if I will never finish this book... just silence.
what if I never will find the answer...or I will find it too late...what if is not even the wright question that I am asking... thinking... that could be an ending also, or a new beginning... so just enjoy the ride! like Pete said.

Yes... one day it will make perfect sense to begin again, for now I will put my glasses on, and just write about the vineyard, it's fun.

Povestea 10. - Raționalizarea trăirii

"Dragostea e ca un vals, un pas înainte un pas înapoi şi pauză ... plutirea încremenește... e numai vis, așteptare, secundele par enorme până la 1,2,3...4, sinergia a două trupuri care simt, trăiesc același ritm, plutirea valsului în ritmurile amețitoare ale dragostei.
Parcă căutăm neîncetat acea potrivire de ritm, respirație, mișcare și atunci când o găsim este atât de firească, fără efort și explicație. Poate prin dans îți dai seama că poți iubi, dacă te poți conecta fără cuvinte și te poți dărui într-o mișcare de plutire."
Da, aș fi vrut să dansăm! 

Ai ales să pleci... câteodată ești atât de departe și atât de închis, ascuns ca într-o carapace de broască țestoasă parcă așteptând  un gest, un semn. Ai jucat cartea și aștepți reacția, plusul dragostei la următoarea carte...

dar de ce suntem adversari cu noi înșine, cu sentimentele răvășite între cearceafuri și gânduri, unde e diferența dacă e rostit în cuvinte... așteptarea, jocul, dansul, confruntarea...urmează liniște sau furtună.

și dragostea a rămas nerostită în cuvinte și trăită cu respirația întretăiată ca în nocturna lui Chopin.
Iubirea o poți trăi cu ochii închiși, cu încredere, dor și pierdere într-un nesfârșit vals...

"Dragostea e ca șampania, spumoasă feerică, te amețește ușor, dar te trezești repede până la următoarea cupă, următoarea poveste, joc, sărut, e dulce și nebună ca un val perfect care te îneacă într-o fericire aproape ireală, dorindu-ți numai să te îneci din nou, să simți în toți porii dragostea..."

Zâmbesc, privind fotografia noastră, abia acum realizez de ce și când, m-am indrăgostit ca o copilă la 16 ani. Scriam mult când te-am cunoscut, teorii despre dragoste, relații, trăiri...

"...un joc subtil, incontrolabil, în care orice regulă iți arată că pierzi și orice gând, fărâmă de rațiune iți reduce trăirea la chimie, poveste epică sau o banală confuzie de simțuri indusă de un zâmbet. Și pierzi!
Pierzi, atunci când nu știi să joci, când mori de plăcere, îndrăgostit în joacă, dar rațiunea te oprește să trăiești, să te scufunzi. Pierzi când ți-e frică să încerci... să fii fericit o clipă.
Îndrăgostit te pierzi, doar ca să te regăsești, dincolo de tine și de poveste... mereu altfel, răscolind cotloane îndelung uitate, sau pasiuni și simțuri neatinse încă de minte, suflet și trup,

Apoi fugi, e singura cale prin care simți că poți rămâne rațional, întreg, cu toate că ai întrebări, retrăiri vii, te poți amăgi ușor în rutina zilnică, poți uita, până când un detaliu, o senzație subtilă declanșează furtuna... și vine întrebarea cea mai grea, care îți rămâne întipărită în minte.
Și într-un moment de liniște, de pauză și evadare din rutină, întrebările își cer răspunsuri."

Doar acum ai senzația de nesfârșire și știi că nu ajungi să iubești fără să pierzi, fără să trăiești fericit o clipă, fără să ai un moment furat în joacă...

"Iubirea e senină, simplă, liberă, plină de arome, ca un vin vechi pe care îl bei și-l redescoperi cu variații subtile aproape în fiecare zi, la ceas de seară, în momentul perfect, alături de tine."

***

yes... almost so unreal to be true, but we had a perfect moment, in our goodbye... it was a sweet escape from town, wondering around physically and in my mind, near you and with you, researching me... 

Maybe you misunderstood me when I said that "it is to complicated".
- "I was in love, it just couldn't work !" That's what you said looking in the dark through the bus window.
You were upset about my stupid question:"why are you alone?" and I was dizzy and surprised about what just happened with us. I mean really can you blame me ... That evening I said no...to you and I still want you even more!!! I wonder why... still feel that is no end to a true love story...
Love is not a theory that you can demonstrate on paper and say this is it, it does not work!

Beside that, for me nothing is impossible, and "complicated" just sounds like fun and attractive to me, if I really feel and want it! If I don't, there is an excuse for it.

It's not that I don't want you, i really want You in every form that exist, now today, in every second... and there is no but in this, it's just the feeling that you want me now that is freezing me!

There are questions that I can't pass over and just live... I have no idea why...

why do you want me now ... are you ready for me? is it the right time? ...

I really want this perfect sweet moments, and I want them every night with you, only you!
There are moments, daydreams mostly, when everything is perfect, when i can see us together with our baby, happy... a Sunday morning in bed, all three of us watching cartoons...
smiling, I look outside, thru the window.  it starts to snow, like in a fairy tail.

there are moments when everything is as clear as the blue sky with a hart shaped cloud ... I see us like in a parallel life and I want to live that life, just have to get there somehow and find you... then everything fall's into his wright, given place.

(fragments form oct- nov. 2014)

CAP VI- in the muddy road

Brake !!! Shit, Man !!! Something was running in front of my car. What ...
- Hey, Are you alright? getting out of my pickup truck. Car door slammed with a creak.
- Aaaaaiii !
The dark men in brown with a Fedora hat it's rising from the mud I just projected him into. Bet his ego it's pretty damaged. He's looking for something, not really concerned of all the mess on he's pants.
- I am terribly sorry ! You were running and with all this mud. Sorry!
I must be smiling, that does not help much.He has awful manners anyway, can't even see his face with that hat. Who wears a Classic hat in this woods? I don't know what to say or do. I have to go, i am returning to my green pickup truck. Near me, appears Kid with a decisive bark, stopping me.

- Hi, Kid! Is it yours? i am asking looking surprised at the Classic- hat men.
- Yes. Hear you areeee, dog! This days just disappears, I've been looking for him. I am sorry we got in your way, hope you are fine. I am fine. Really, Dog is fine too, you can go ... now.
He's a real gentlemen in the middle '50's, maybe 60 years old, still charming. He's eyes look tired, but they have a vivid- worm shine. I could bet he was pretty handsome when he was younger.
We both lean down to caress the dog, but he retires quickly. He's hat falls down, from all the movement. He just turns and laughs, picking up his Fedora hat, from the muddy road. The dog barks.

- Good, Kid! You have an awesome dog! I am smiling and he is looking at me with he's dark eyes.
- He is kind of a free spirit.
He want's to add something, but he just looks at me like questioning all my life.
- Yes ! think so, too. The other day he found me on a pick, we returned together, home.
- Ooooh. So he was with you! He's actually in a total need of a female presence. He is a puppy that my ex wife left me with. He doesn't have a name yet !
He looks at the sweet creature that stands between us in the muddy road.
- Kid?!
 I try to call the dog and his sweet eyes are looking at me, he barks like saying yes. and just swings his short tail. He is such a sweet, smart puppy!
- OK. Then Kid it is, you smashing little dog.
He's smiling happy and they seem to be fine, so I try to get out of this perfect frame of two, taking a small step back. I feel that look from Kid, asking me to stay along for a wile.
- Say, don't you enter for a cup of tea... maybe! I really like to fix this occurred meeting of ours in the middle of a muddy road.
Both men and dog looking at me, with that sweet puppy eyes. I take a step closer, looking at the light that is glowing in the house, calling us to warm up.
- It smells like it's going to snow! say out loud, without thinking.
- Shall we? he takes my arm and we go on the alley, Kid is running around us, happy.
- You know, Kid looks just like you, only he's more transparent !
He's steps kind of slowed down for a moment, he takes a look at me, and then smiles looking in front at his puppy. Kid looks at us, expecting at the front door.
I think I was a little blunt, my words just came out without even thinking, I am too tired.
I smile at the dark men with classy muddy hat in his hand and then I smile back at Kid,
Just thinking that the little puppy looked as happy on the outside like the dark men was on the inside, made me blush for a moment.
We stopped at the front door, and he looked in my eyes, opening the door.
- After you, milady! We enter.

He is putting my coat in the closet behind the front door and enters on the next door.
- Please make yourself comfortable, it's worm hear.
The open living it's bigger that you can see from the entrance. The fire place illuminates a lovely Belle Epoque setting with a couch, two arm chairs and a minimalist small table. After that it's a study zone with a desk and a full wall of books. I like the book stairs on the other side of the desk. In the back of the desk it's a lovely painted wall, like in the Chinese houses, with dark wood and floral motives.

He reappears changed in a blue sky shirt with black bow tie and black pants and with Kid at his feet.
- Sorry I left you alone.Tea is ready in a second, or shall we drink a glass of wine.
I think I could drink a glass of wine or even scotch, but it's not really recommended. Sitting up near the fire, with one hand on my forehead, I just look lost in the flames dance.
I sense his presence wright on my back. He is so close I can't move, I am turning my had and see his eyes smiling and his lips moving slowly. I am trying to understand the words, but I am too tired!
why did I entered this strangers house?! He's asking something and I am not responding.
- Green with lemon or apricot?
- Apricot, my favorite tea. How...
- Seams you are a charming little women with exquisite taste.
I get lost again looking at the fire. It's just silence... fire place sounds and flame dance are hypnotic.

- Why don't you sit on the couch, make yourself comfortable, you must be tired.
I listen and start walking but i loose one of my shoes and just let go of the other one. I just sit on the couch, with my feet under and take a cup of tea from the little table.
- Seems you are the Cinderella after all! He smiles collecting my shoes. Pretty small, 35? he reads the number inside my black- red oxford shoes.
I just nod my had with the cup of tea in my hands, feeling the apricot flavor with my eyes closed.
- Just relax, I will be hear in my chair.
For a minute or sow, it's just silence.

He looks at the little thing siting on his couch and drinks from a Chinese cup of tea, flourished with blue ornaments, just like the one in my hands.
- 34, actually. The shoes are a little big, that's why they slipped away, and because they have a mind of there own and for sure they are really tired.
I am Smiling. The tea is working his magic, I can speak and listen at the same time. Hope I didn't sad something stupid.

He's smiling, following with his eyes every gesture of mine.
- You are like a magic little seed, that only some can see will make some day a thriving jasmine tree.
I open my eyes, surprised at that unexpected comment. I must be red, I blushed.
- Thank you! Such a nice picture you've put in my mind.
Kid is alert and looks at both, expecting the next line, sits near masters legs, like a real trained dog, behaving properly.I smile looking at them, they make such a nice duo.

- What music you feel like listening now?
- Classic, maybe a piano like Brian Crain.
- Snow or the Dream of Flying? he's looking at me, taking he's tablet from the small table and after a moment slowly the music starts.
- Snow it is! Don't play poker, I like when your eyebrow is coming up, it's a quick answer.
I am smiling, he seems to know everything I like or need at this moment, when I don't even know to choose.
I close my eyes dancing in my mind, up in the air. Such an amazing feeling, i love piano.

- I wish I knew a piano player... Oh, did I said that out loud? I am drinking my tea, it's best that I go home.
- Hmmm, seems is Christmas for you, tonight. It's almost 00:00. I just hope that Cinderella is not disappearing.
- No, just transforming into sleeping beauty, smiling ... you have such a nice place hear. So worm and comfortable, trying to diva-gate.
Kid is wright next to me, near the couch, I put my hand into his fur, caressing his back ear and leaned my head on the arm of the sofa. It's soft, feels just like my bed.

***
hmmm ... I am trying to move an inch, or a toe, I hear a piano, I must be dreaming... wait, go back to the other dream with the dog. A ray of light is playing with my patience and a real smell of coffee invades my whole senses. Piano was stopped playing and feel something wet on fingers.

- Ooooh, come here you ! Kid cut by surprise runs quickly after the big chair.
The fire is cheerfully saying good morning and I have a coffee wright near, on the small glass table.
Am I still here? I get up and sit on the couch covered with the puffy brown blanket.
I take a quick guilty look under the blanket, I've sensed that I am not dressed, all I have is my underwear.
Kind of a sleepy had in the morning, but I don't remember what happened after...

I take the small blue flourished cup and drink from the hot coffee.
- Hmmm, good, I have chocolate too! I whisper.
Still don't remember what happened after we drank tea last night, wright from this type of china cup with blue flowers.
- Hey... start walking with my blanket on. Kid is coming with me.
I pass by my clothes hanger placed on a shelf of the big library. I can't hear the piano and I return on my place on the couch to drink my coffee. I'll wait, maybe the stranger from last night is returning.
Looking through the big glass windows I can see the fresh snow.

- You were right, milady. Last night started to snow. It's 7 November, and we have snow!
- Hey! yes... I kind of know when snow it's coming, smiling with eyes in my coffee.
- You must be a witch, good... I hope! How is coffee, more chocolate?
- Yes... no. No more chocolate. Coffee is really good, thank you for letting me stay the night! kind of surprised to woke up here. I dreamed that a piano was playing, silly me, wright?

I am too agitated, just mumbling stupid things. He looks at me and doesn't move, still analyzing me.
I try to fix my hear, and my cover falls down on my breasts. I retain it and start walking in the back of the room. Kid is coming after me.

- You know, you can stay calm, nothing wrong happened, last night!
And as much as I adore your cute butterfly boxers, I think it's time for us boys to retire.
Suddenly I realize that my but was uncovered, and turn quickly.
- Kid, come, it's not nice to look at milady dressing.
He's getting out of the leaving area and entering on the second door.
I am right next to my clothes, I get dressed and find a book on the shelf. Trying to remove it, I sense his colon with musk and a woody flavor.

- Did you read this ... looking at me, he removes a book from the shelf, wright near my hand.
- It might be a good encore for you. He is smiling, with that morning after look.
I look at the title and don't respond. He's to close, I feel his shoulder next to mine, he's expecting calm my response. I look into his eyes and a cold shiver on my back makes me tremble.
- What happened ... last night? I ask agitated.
- Still nothing happened, milady. You didn't even had the time to ask for my name!
He's turning his body and walks away leaving me there. He's trying to joke to calm me down.
I am looking troubled, still don't believe I walked into this house and just slept here, my cottage is 100 meters up... what the hell was I thinking? What is he thinking of me, now?

- I hope you are not upset... Sit down, please!
I sit on the couch and Kid sits at my feet, like a proper trained dog.
- Now, lets drink our coffee and try to relax! For instance, would you sleep with someone you don't know? I mean, do you know my name? he asks me calm, drinking his coffee.
- No! no, off course I...
I am blushing. I try to remember his name, nothings comes in my mind just Classic Hat men.
- You are joking, and I am not at all like that! I don't know your name and I don't remember what happened, but i will! I have a pretty good memory.
I drink the coffee quick, ready to go home, just to get out of there.

- I am sorry. I didn't know you will make such a fuss about this! Last night, you kind of transformed pretty quick in Sleeping Beauty ! when I played you something on the piano. That was all!
I am relived, so I don't remember because it's nothing to remember about.
- Hello, milady! I am Charles John Hatchet the third. I am really pleased to meet, you ...?
He takes my hands in his, for a moment I am lost in the black deep story of his eyes.
- Wait! what piano?!
- You know, milady. I am sure your name has no third because you are certainly unique.
He's back in his chair sitting calm waiting for an answer. Kid is listening close, banging his tail between my feet and couch.

- Oh ... I am May! Marilyn, I mean. But really, what piano?! I was just dreaming in the morning of a piano! Where is it!?
Kid goes in front and barks, looking at the flourished wall in the back of the living, just behind the desk.
- OK, are you ready? lets see the piano maybe you will sing something with me.
We both get up and he takes my arm, smiling.
- No, i couldn't, really... my voice is...
Shit! I still can't believe I am one of the few people who sees him, after the scandal. Charles J. Hatchet III...He vanished same as Adam. Lucky me I am just an editor... he cant possibly know how I look for real...

- Just promise you will hum a little, like last night. I am happy with that.
We are smiling. He takes my arm and we go to the piano. I was so wrong about him, he is cool and besides Kid is such an adorable dog.

Maybe a good friend is what we both need wright now, I wish no one will find out he's here...

CAP V- reverse psychology

What about us, we had one full night together, we talked a lot, worked a lot at times, but we never had a fight... we didn't even danced together, even if I wanted.
We had separate sweet moments encrypted in time, or just in my mind and in my pictures.
We will always be like this? stuck in a complicated situation, always with the possibility of love at our reach, to afraid to just be?!

Maybe we didn't tried, maybe that is the problem! I am so mext up that I can't think at something else, I am just walking.
And were the hell are you?!!! You just left, I have no idea where.
I stop and stare at the paving, chasing the small cracks and discontinuities. I sit on a bench for a moment, but just can't stay still. I have to walk and it's kind of cold to sit down, anyway.

You took pieces of me with you, wandering into the world searching the ideal perfect she that will never be, or exist.. and when you realize you will come home with all my broken pices... sadness, lost filed with you, you!!! ... i really miss You!!!...have to find you, find a piece of you in this town that reminds me of everything!

Stairs, it's the next floor, wright?! The door opens, good I was afraid it might be closed.
I am here! The view it's awesome, you can see all the city lights in the darkness.
I am here on top of the world! Alone!
Were are you, Adam? When will I see you again?

I love this roof garden that you made for this building. It's like a part of you that you left here for me and for everyone. I can see your hands working in that earth, planting the bushes or lilies. I can see you there and in every corner working, directing, measuring.
You change it like twice already. You will never stop to correct and improve things.
"- If the needs change, you have to come with new solutions, wright?!" you said one time when we were in this very spot, near the roof entrance...

Waiting to see the show, I come up to see your garden, one floor upper from the lobby.
You said it has no point because it's November, it's cold, no plants and maybe it's not even opened.
"- It's too dark you can't see anything now!"

I was up on the roof just seating, and looking at the city, thinking of us, or at nothing at all.
This top view around it's just amazing!
You came up and you talked with someone, our eyes met for a wile and you came to me. We walked a little just in silence, but your phone ringed, you talked with her. I just left your side not to hear the conversation, and tried some pictures in the night.
You know, you look after me when I am too far away from you, like protecting your little girl that is to far away from home.

"-She is working, she is coming latter."
Then I will have you in this day all for me! it really was our last day together, before all the scandal, before you left.
I remember I showed you the pictures and said about the view, that it is precious and unique.

You were so cute, explaining and pointing out the things you want to correct and retouch.
I love your creativity, your eyes were sparkling in the night, your hands were dazzling and your voice firm but sweet, was caressing me. Had such an insane desire to just kiss you, right then, in that very moment. You were explaining, I could have kissed you, or I think I could have.
We have to enter, the play must start. You asked me if I have a gum, and keep talking.

- I do, just have to find it, somewhere in my purse!
Thinking what kind of a fruit blueberry is.
- It is girly, has forest fruits flavor.
I tried to opened it for you, but I was shaking and in the struggle with the poor package, our hands touched. I just give you the pack, because that drive towards you came again, and my hart was running like crazy. This feelings rushed back to me when I thought there is no turning back.
Just closed my eyes for a second trying to calm down, and all that stressed filling of doing something inappropriate just vanished.
It's already to late! Our hands touched like in a dance, and all the people and noise around us disappeared.

After that moment, the one men show play was good. I knew that it will end when he will finally close all the buttons of his shirt. It was quite an interesting act.
I watched you during the play to see your reaction, It was a mixture of feelings, you were thinking mostly, maybe remembering, a bit excited, surprised and amused, but anxious.
After the play ended I left. We discussed theatrical details going down the stairs. You come out with me, to help me get a taxi, because it was my first time in this part of town. We tried a friendly goodbye kiss, but our lips just touched accidentally. I was blushing for sure. Smiling I said I am sorry, and waved a goodbye walking backwards.
You said it's alright, with a simple sweet tone. We talk.
I have text you a message from the taxi in my way home.

Am I crazy for loving you? does it even matter!
Either this, what we feel, it's not love, it's just lust, infatuation or a jealousy mix with pride, either you are not ready for love, but you should always try, it is never a prefect moment.
So, for the third time today "Marilyn! What _ do you want ?" 

In this moment just to get the hell out of this parking lot, I am just pushing the acceleration, and my car is just playing along. just drive home.
What do I want... I want to look at you and you will say in my face:
- This, whatever it is "Is over".
You will still kiss me, because you will feel like you can't stay away and you have no idea what are you saying! You can say whatever you want, you can lie, your words will never match in intensity your eyes looking into mine.
And maybe I will say:

"- It is the end or the beginning, whatever you choose now it will be!"

We are in the right time or there is no right time, now is the moment, now we can let us just be whatever we could be, no expectations... just give it a try!
I was over thinking this instead of just let it be, so what ever happens happens... I just have to see you, find you and I'll feel that I am wright, I will see it in your eyes, and feel it in your touch.
I am here, baby! I see your dark eyes when I close mine, see your sweet smile, your hands caressing mine like in a dance, you ...

You have that look of love in your eyes when you look at me, and I just can't look away.
I don't believe a word you say, your words have no meaning when you look at me! it's just like reverse psychology.

CAP. IV- Coffee House and Kat

- Hey, Muuuuaaa... kisses
- Heeeey, Girl!
- You look...really... are you OK?
She is trying to smile, but she looks at the dark wood table, not at me. Now she's rising, looking me straight in the eyes. Yes, this is my Kat.
- Sorry, you look like after war, what's with this hair?... don't you have a mirror in the cottage?
- you look...
- Stunning, amazing... I know!
She is smiling with her green changing eyes.
- Changed, in love...
- Yeeees !!!! forget it, love is just a broken record for me... no no, not in love!!!! looking for the waiter, she is smiling and touches her lips for a moment covering that smile with her fingers.
- I kind of dumped the guy from 11th floor that I liked, but you know... time is time. Then it was Blue eyes from the 15th floor... pausing she looks thru the window and her eyes squeeze a memory out of her curly red hair had. Yeeees, and the Dark-knight from 21. Now, I am free, at last!
- Ooooh, and that is a change for...

 I look at her researching that lost girl from last year, in love with our boss. She is all gone, her dark swing long hair... all gone! her green, sweet  eyes with an innocent romantic look, are vivid, shining with that green glam look that I always adored.
She is a show that you can never get bored of. She is taking about the guy with blue eyes and a dark knight that took her for a ride in the elevator. She is sooo crazy!
Her hair is moving along with her hands like in a dance. I am smiling, can't take my eyes out of her. I just love everything about her! but she can't be happy like this, can she ??!!!

- Girl, where are you ??!!!
- Amazed by your changing... It really looks fine, I mean you are... gorgeous, this dazzling hair it's so you! And that skirt with this blue vintage shirt it's so classy and sexy...
- Yes, I know! she blushes a little just for a moment I can see her romantic sweet look again, looking thru the window.
-But!!! she points at me with the spoon, That was not what I expected from you, May! always teasing me.
- Yes, Kay! you are always such a tease!!! laughing... what do you want to know?
- Some analyzing psycho insight on my change. I mean I am totally disappointed. i don't see you since august, you just quit your job and left, after our boss political fiasco with that article...What a mess!!!
- He is the owner you know, he has to be political, it's nothing new about that! He was going to fire me, or put me at shopping Christmas stories... so I left!

- Good, good for you. But Boss lost a lot, you know! Loosing you as editor, changing 7 interns in 2 month for a job that only you can do... I left him after a day. he said he lost all in a split of a second: best journalist and editor, best women, best position on top... not to mention the award. And, on top of that, you know ...best photographer! We could have had 5 awards, or all this year!... are you OK?

- He had a good chance with our article, we could... we were first to predict and right about the change, but he was to afraid to turn on the table.
- Girl, Adam left exactly when you did, only no one knows where he is! Some said he followed the lid to understand and expose once and for all this... maybe he's looking for sites like Rosia Montana in Europe, Greece...
- Yes, I know. he never gives up! that is what I love about him. He stands on his principles no matter the loss.